The 39 Clues



By Oona Paananen, Finnish Particle Physics Society

It is no secret that many of us in the sciences have doubts about CERN’s project to create the largest particle accelerator in history—the Large Hadron Collider, a 17-mile loop of tunnel currently under construction outside Geneva, Switzerland. But the dangers from this machine are NOT fully known to the public.

The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is designed to re-create the first moments of the Big Bang so that scientists can study how the original elements that make up the universe were formed. This will be done in a 17-mile loop of tunnel deep belowground, where particles will be dashed together at 99.9% of the speed of light! (1) CERN scientists claim the Big Bang-like explosion will show us new things about our universe and may change our understanding of the laws of physics, (2) but it could also devour the earth in a gaping black hole! No one knows the real reason behind this dangerous scheme to destroy the earth, but it can’t be GOOD!

To smash particles together at such high speed could create a very powerful implosion. The amount of energy traveling through the underground tubes is equivalent to a 400-ton train barreling down the tracks at over 90 miles per hour! (3) If the collider does work EXACTLY as CERN scientists predict, it could create submicroscopic black holes! (4)

These little holes would gravitate toward the earth’s core. By the time they came to rest in the earth’s center, they would have torn a path through the crust and mantle! Furthermore, the black holes stuck together in the planet’s core would melt together like two drops of water at the bottom of a cup. At this point, such a black hole would have a planet-sized buffet at its disposal, and the entire earth would begin to collapse on itself as it was sucked in!! (5)

We must stop these mad scientists from destroying the earth!


Many people have decried my work as unscientific, and I have noticed some problems with my analysis. I therefore RETRACT EVERYTHING I’VE SAID. This is in NO WAY related to threats made to my family and coworkers by men with strange dragon tattoos on their arms.



3. Each individual collision, however, would only produce about as much energy as the head-on collisions among 12 mosquitoes.